Frustration Station

It's hard to readjust your life day-by-day, preparing yourself for what you may or may not experience at any given moment. Coming back from a week with all of my PC buddies was tough. Not only did I catch the flu and a sinus infection, but I also had to get back into the swing of things at work and my site. It should be a simple transition, right? After all it's what I've been doing for the last 3 months without many problems. But what I figured out, after feeling frustrated and exhausted for days, was that it is not so simple. The hardest part about coming back was transforming into a different version of myself. 

When I am with my fellow volunteers out of site, I can be the honest version of myself. No one is there to judge me or reject me. I can easily express my thoughts and opinions without any hurdles. I don't feel guarded in any way. In contrast, in my community I am juggling many barriers which lead to me being a different me. The most easily pinpointed is the language barrier. Although I can understand a great deal of Afrikaans, I cannot express myself fluidly when speaking with people. I don't have the vocabulary to explain my complex feelings about bell peppers or the presidential race back in the states. (Trust me, it takes some time and work to get through those emotions.) So I end up having simple, short conversations where I agree to things I would never normally accept. 

They get me

Another major barrier is cultural. There are many strong, powerful Namibian women who are leading examples of female empowerment in this country. But there is also a deep sense of traditional patriarchy amongst the population. A liberal, single woman like myself often gets condescending and downright offensive questions. Like, "Why are you not married? Why do you not have children? What are you doing with your life?" And sometimes these are even followed up with more offensive remarks like, "Eish my dear, you are not a real woman. You are wasting your life and no one will want you when you are old." If I had conversations like this maybe once a week, I could probably brush it off. But when I hear the same thing multiple times a day, it really breaks me down. 

My only sanctuary sometimes

The worst version of cultural clash is the sexual harassment I experience on a daily, almost hourly basis. I cannot walk down the street without being cat-called multiple times. Sitting next to a man in a taxi almost always leads to the inevitable conversation where he asks me out for a drink and requests my number. The worst is when the men get physical- touching my hand or grabbing my arm. I even had a man yank my ponytail last week while trying to get my attention to his absurd pleas. After damn near snapping on him, his only response was, "I like your body. You should thank me for my compliments, not turn away from me." It's honestly sickening. 

These overwhelming emotions inevitably lead to frustration. I get frustrated with the people around me. I get frustrated with myself. I get frustrated with the whole world sometimes. I guess when I entered into this journey, I thought the challenges would be more physical. Like how to live without hot water and adjusting to a new diet. I didn't realize all of the emotional boundaries that would be crossed. This experience is really chipping away at me. I don't know if that is a positive or a negative yet. Am I being chiseled down to the truest version of myself and learning inner strength? Or am I slowly losing what makes me me?