A woman in a man's world

Today, I am going to expand upon my experiences as a female in Peace Corps Namibia. I want to state right off the bat that I do not wish to generalize and my experiences are my own. But I hope this can be revealing for anyone else experiencing the same difficulties. 

In the states, I would say I very rarely experienced unwanted male attention. Although there may be occasional issues of a too forward man in a bar, it was not a daily occurrence at all. And if you are in a bar, you expect something like that may happen. As a female in Namibia, I have experienced a long list of situations that I would never have tolerated back in the states or even expected. On a daily basis, I experience some form of male attention that makes me uncomfortable. 

My inaugural experience was in the first week I arrived in Namibia. On the first Sunday, we were all encouraged to go to a church service to introduce ourselves to the community and begin building relationships. I chose to go to the church right behind our training center, mostly because it is the closest. When I arrived at the church, I saw a familiar face outside. It was a young man who performed in the youth choir that greeted us our first night. He immediately came over to me and followed me into the church. I sat next to another volunteer and he followed into the pew beside me. He was friendly and cheerful, so I welcomed having a Namibian to explain the Afrikaans service to me. Throughout the church service, he began scooting closer and closer to me. This is when I initially started getting uncomfortable, because I have personal space issues. But I just told myself to relax, this is a different culture and I don't know what boundaries they expect yet. A few times during the service, he reached over and would make me clap my hands or explain what was going on very close to my ear. Again, I was a bit uncomfortable, but I just tried to distance myself and kept scooting over to get some of the space I felt I needed. By the end of the service, I was in a completely different side of the pew than where I started, and there he was right next to me. It was obvious that trying to buffer his approach was not working. When it was time to exit the church, he touched my shoulder and my radar went to red alert. It just felt less friendly and more intimate, something in my gut told me it was not ok. As we stood and walked out of the church, I tried to let him pass. But he stayed behind me. Right there in a crowd of church goers, he grabbed my ass 3 times. I looked back at him, not wanting to cause a scene by yelling, and he just smiled at me. I then stood to the side firmly and waited for him to pass. I had no idea how to react. I felt violated, but mostly I was just shocked. After leaving church, I explained to the other volunteers what had happened. I was deeply uncomfortable. I may have been prepared for such a thing to occur in a bar (although it still would have left me uncomfortable) but I never would have expected to be groped so publicly and in a church! Is no place sacred? I wasn't prepared for the feelings of vulnerability I had afterwards. And at a time that was very emotional to begin with, it really made me question if I had the strength to deal with this type of attention from men around me. 

Life is not a piece of (cheese)cake

Since then, I experience cat calling on a daily basis. If I happen to be in a bar, even when surrounded by male volunteers, men accost me with their words and sometimes their hands. No amount of saying, "I'm not interested" or resting bitch face seems to deter them. Unfortunately, ignoring them is just seen as "playing hard to get". As one of my Namibian trainers said, the mentality is "I see you, I like you, we go to bed." 

I can come up with a list of excuses, but none seem to completely work. Here is how some of those conversations go.

1. If I say I have a boyfriend, they say that's ok because I can have 2. 
2. If I say I have a boyfriend/husband back in the states, they say he's not here so it doesn't count.
3. If I say I have a Namibian boyfriend/husband that lives in another town, they say I need one in this town. 
4. If I say that I have a boyfriend/husband in the same place as me, they say they are better than him and can give me more.
5. If I say that I am just here to work, they say that I must have fun too. 
6. If I tell them they are too old/too young/too tall/too short/too anything, they say that I must relax and forget about those things. 
7. If I say maybe another time, they ask when and do not forget. 
8. If I say them I will find another girl for them, they say they only want me because I am the "white American".
9. If I say that I am leaving the country soon, they say it doesn't matter and we can just enjoy the night.
10. If I just say no, they keep trying until I eventually leave. 

This experience of feeling so vulnerable as a female has been alarming, and unlike anything I have experienced in the past. Although I heard of small warnings and anecdotes during the interview process and on blogs about females experiencing unwanted attention, I didn't prepare myself for how that would actually impact me. I try to just keep my head down as I'm walking home and not engage when I hear someone shout at me. I don't go out at night, because I know there is a strong chance I will encounter some drunk guy and it could turn into a dangerous situation. I don't feel comfortable wearing shorts or a skirt, even when they're relatively long, because I fear that will draw more attention to me. I always feel like I am on guard, because today might be the day that ignoring them won't work and the situation goes too far. To feel like I am hiding myself and always in protection mode is exhausting and overwhelming. I know I need to develop a stronger skin and get some mechanism that works for me to thwart their advances, but until then I have to cope with these feelings. 

I know it's not personal and some Namibian women experience this everyday of their lives. My hope, is that over my 2 years here I can develop an understanding with the men I work with and explain or show them how it feels to suffer through this as a female. Maybe then, I can start a change in how they personally approach women. I don't expect to overhaul how men treat women in Namibia as a whole. But I hope that sharing my experiences with a few men may start a change with them individually. I will continue to share my experiences on this blog and maybe by the end, I can share how some of these men have changed? Here's to hoping!