Some things I have learned about myself along the way

When many of my friends pointed out before I left the states that I would come back a different person, I thought they were being ridiculous. How could I change so drastically, when I already felt like I had a good idea of who I was? One of my funniest friends, Daniel, even joked that he wanted to have one pre-Africa lunch and one post-Africa lunch with me. He said because the things we joke about in the pre-lunch will be something that "post-Africa Pinnell" just wouldn't find funny. (I think my humor is one of the things left unchanged so far.) But, I have noticed some things about myself that have either changed or were just previously undiscovered. With being just about 4 months in, here is my list so far.

1. I am not as strong or independent as I thought I was. Now that's not to say that I'm needy or a basket case, because most of the time I'm not. But I'm not sure if I could have ever been really prepared for the struggles and challenges I have been met with so far. Prior to coming here, I would have told you that I am one of the strongest people I know and I really don't "need" anyone. That, I have found out, is just not true. I need support to get through this and I need to find my inner strength more than ever before. 

2. I am a product of America. Before coming here, I would have said that although I enjoy materialistic things, they do not define me. Unfortunately, I am finding that was just not true. The clothes I wore, the car I drove, the places I went all made up a big part of who I thought I was. When those things have been stripped away, I am left trying to figure out how to represent myself to people. And fortunately I am discovering that in Namibia, it doesn't matter what I have. People just want to get to know me for who I am. So instead of figuring out how to represent myself, I just need to focus on being myself. 

3. I am not as outgoing as I need to be. I consider myself a social person, but at the same time, I don't open up to people easily and usually let them make the first move as far as friendship goes. If I stay this way, I will be a sad and lonely person at the end of this experience. I need to reach out to people and be the first person to make a move. Like Patrick said, I need to go 90% of the way and let the other person come 10%. I am finding that to be very true here and I need to work on that. 

Not so sure about my new friend over here

4. I have no idea how to manage money. Living on a really small budget is hard. I have to be careful with every expenditure I have. Just because I'm having a bad day, doesn't mean I can go to Hungry Lion and eat all the fried chicken. If I have cash in my hand, I spend it. And I've gotta stop doing that because eventually, it's going to leave me in a bad situation where I'm eating pasta with ketchup for every meal like some other volunteers. 

5. To be cliche, I have figured out who my true friends are. When you say goodbye to people in the states and make those promises of keeping in touch, you really mean it at the time. But when you're roughly 7,000 miles away and living a slightly alternative lifestyle, those promises fail miserably. Whether it is me or them, some of my friendships have busted because of that. And that is ok, because some friendships are not meant to last a lifetime. But the people that really care about me and that I care about, we both make the effort to keep the relationship going. 

6. I can't drink like I'm in college anymore. My body, with the alcohol intolerance that it has, will not allow it anymore. I have made a fool of myself on more than one occasion during PST and I've gotta cut that out. A few drinks and I'll be fine. But I need to re-learn my limits and keep it classy. Ron Burgundy wouldn't want it any other way. 

7. That being said, I'm not really ready to "grow up" completely. I am not ready for marriage or kids right now. I don't want to be settled down, living in one place for the rest of my life. And for goodness sake, I still love Disney movies. Maybe at the end of this those first 2 things will change, but for now I am willing to say that I'm just not ready to settle down yet and that's ok. However, Disney movies will always be an important part of my life. That will never change. 

8. I value the comfy things in life. Whether it is a fuzzy blanket, a great pair of socks, or a good hug I want things that make me feel at ease. The little things can change my mood and make me feel alright when I'm having a bad day. Things that are making life uncomfortable like clingy clothes, skeezy dudes, and the corporate ladder, can just get out. Basically, bitch don't kill my vibe.

9. I am starting to figure out what I am good at and what I am not so good at. Which in turn, is leading me to really consider what I want to do with my career. Some things I know for sure: I will be going to some form of graduate school, I want to work with children, I need structure and spontaneity, and I do not follow the rules very well. So where does that leave me? Well, I'm not quite to that conclusion yet. But I'll keep you posted. 

If only everyday was this fun

10. I have learned to let go. Whether it is of drama, annoyances, stress, etc I have learned to put it aside. Now I have not perfected that and things do still weigh on me, but I try to let the little things go. Rather than spending all of my time absorbed in something trivial, I try to absorb what is around me instead. I want to be present and soak up every moment I have. So I will continue to perfect this practice, because it makes me a happier person. 

I am sure there are many things I have yet to discover, but I hope to record them here when I do. At the very least, it will be a nice journal to look back on in several years to see how I have changed. Hopefully, it won't be as embarassing as looking back on my old Myspace. (Why did I throw up so many gang signs in pictures and who told me that bleaching my hair until almost blond was a good idea?!? Eish...)

Blindfolded before site reveal