How did I get here?

When I initially applied for the Peace Corps, almost a year and a half ago, I did it because I needed a change. I hated the work I was doing and did not have a clear path to get to the career I wanted to have. Although I had a few close friends, I didn't have anything tying me down to where I was. I had always dreamed of going to Africa and working in some sort of non-profit. But at the time that's all it was, a dream. I never thought I would actually do it. Even after applying to the Peace Corps, I never thought I would make it all the way through. I knew it was a very competitive process and frankly I wasn't confident that I was at the same level of other applicants. Self-confidence is sometimes a foreign concept to me. But I did it, I filled out my application and clicked that submit button. 

The night I submitted my application

Then, several months later I was invited for an interview. Going into the interview, I was excited and nervous. But I thought as most interviews work, that I would complete the interview and then it would take several weeks to hear back. But little did I know. My recruiter nominated me right there at the end of the interview. He felt I was a strong enough candidate to be moved onto the next step. When I found out, I was shaking. Again, I never thought I would get even this far. I called my sister crying, because it finally felt a little real. I did a happy dance with my friends and went out to celebrate. Then months went by, where I completed medical paperwork and security clearances. It wasn't official yet, I still had to be reviewed by a placement officer to see if I was a candidate they wanted to invite to actually serve. Finally, I got the email from the placement officer. She wanted to invite me, but because of my health history, she had to work to find a suitable post. This went on for a few short weeks, until finally she sent me the invitation for Namibia. I was ecstatic, but still it didn't feel completely real. Even after accepting the invitation, I still had about 8 months before I would actually depart. Which at the time, felt like an eternity. 

I never thought I would be here

I didn't know what would change in 8 months and if by the time April came around, that I would still want to leave. When I would think about really leaving, it would become overwhelming. So I entered denial a little bit. I got a new apartment, job, and boyfriend in short order. And although I would talk about leaving and how I couldn't wait for it to happen, I had doubts in my mind. Although I consider myself a strong person when it comes to some things, I do let anxiety interfere with my life. So imagining leaving everything I have ever known and everyone I love to go to a foreign country for 2 years, was too much to process at times. It was positively terrifying. But with every doubt that would enter my mind- immense joy, excitement, and pride would also come. I was getting a once in a lifetime opportunity to do something I had always talked about. And although I was terrified, I knew it was something I at least had to try. So, I started preparing my life to leave. I said tearful goodbyes to my friends, packed everything I could into 2 suitcases, and left to see my sister one more time. 

My official invitation

Now I'm going to be honest, I had a breakdown just days before I left. I started panicking, every time I would think about actually being that far away from my comfort zone it felt like I was suffocating. To be completely transparent, I even told my sister I wasn't going to go anymore. I had decided that it was too hard and I just couldn't get on that plane. But I dried my tear soaked face and I went to staging/orientation anyways. And even though everything inside of me made me want to bolt, I kept pushing forward. Through tears and rapid breathing, I got on the plane. And after a long trip, I arrived. Now at times, did I want to get right back on a plane home? Yes, absolutely. But I kept pushing. I just told myself that if I could just make it another day, then I could go home. And even though the 3rd night in homestay I had a panic attack and packed my bags to leave, I kept pushing. I couldn't make the call and really give up yet. A day turned into a few days, then that turned into a week, then suddenly it was the end of training and I was getting ready to depart to my site. Now I didn't get through this by myself, when I was having weak moments others around me helped. They listened to me, they understood all of the feelings I had, and they helped me to find my strength. It wasn't all doom and gloom, I would have days and moments where I didn't want to be anywhere else but here. I had moments where I was absolutely positive this is exactly where I should be and exactly what I should be doing. Is that 24/7? Absolutely not. But here I am anyways.

I still have doubts, I still have moments where I just want to be at home with my friends and sister. I have moments where I am completely positive that I am going to call headquarters and ET (early-terminate). But I keep pushing and I try to not let my anxiety steal my chance. When I see the change that Peace Corps volunteers can make in the community or the impact it has on individuals, I know that I am in the right place. I know that I have to do this. Yes, 2 years still seems like forever to me. But in the span of my lifetime, it's not that long. And I can use these 2 years to help others, to actually make a difference. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and if I didn't try my hardest to make it through this, I think it would be a regret I would have for the rest of my life. So every day, I am going to try to push past the fear and the sadness. Every day, I am going to try to find the light and joy in my situation. And eventually, I hope the fear and sadness will just drift away- days will turn into weeks which turn into months, and it will suddenly be the end of my 2 years here. Maybe at that time, I won't want to leave? Who knows what will happen? What I do know, is that I am supposed to be here right now. And every day I am here, is a blessing and an opportunity to make a difference. It is a chance to participate in something bigger than myself. However long that is for, I am thankful.  

How upset can I be when this is my view?